Wednesday, April 25, 2012

April swales bring Big Bumba snails


True to form, April Showers are here, but rather than bringing May flowers, I have stumbled across a new variation of the adage. Living in my wellies and permanently sheltered under my brolly, my line of vision has seldom wavered from the slippery red bricks that line the 0.7mile walk to the tube from my flat. It was with this focused gaze today that I saw not one, not two, but THREE Big Bumba snails on my way to and from work.
Tough picture, will search for a non-nocturnal one to replace this

For those who may be missing the reference here – Big Bumba (buhm-bah) is a longstanding family word, originating on, what else, the good old softball diamond. Primarily used to aid in teaching the receiving position of the first baseman, with applications to participation in run-downs as well as the act of catching stealing runners, Big Bumba was The Skip’s go-to term for describing why you needed to get out of the way of the runner. Modestly using himself as a Big Bumba example, The Skip would “barrel” down the line (by barrel I mean shuffle his feet, move his head from side to side, and wave his arms around) to mock run into/knock down whoever was standing in his way. It has since become the standard term used for any being that is extremely larger than the norm. (and in softball, they were more likely to be Bumbas than non)

It should also be noted that this was very much contradictory to everything he taught me about soccer, preaching to his little munchkin daughter “the bigger they are the harder they fall,” but that’s neither here nor there for this story.

Back to the snails. Growing up in Long Island you never would have blinked twice if you saw a monster slug crawling across your driveway, but THIS was something I couldn’t ignore.  These were the English, more proper, slightly better dressed slugs from my childhood! Seems that over here even the mollusks are stuffy and pretentious enough to always cover up with extravagant, vintage shells. 

Until this wet weather subsides I would imagine I will be seeing more of my single muscular footed, mucous layering, hard-backed friends, and I will keep a running tally, so far Snooty Snails - 3, Slum-of-the-earth Slugs - 0. I guess no one told the snails that London was in a drought right now, with the Environment Agency last week extending the drought zone up to Derbyshire (wherever that is?)?? I think Big Bumba begs to differ with that decision.

English word of the day: Put paid to = an expression which means to put an end to something. For example you could say that sun put paid to the snail invasion, meaning they stopped venturing out once it stopped raining.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Girl with the Swedish Massage Groupon: Story One of the Millennium Trilogy


April 21

I am going to go ahead and file this in the “Things that will never fly in the US” folder. It all started with an email…

Groupon, one of my favorite pastimes, was offering to “Get kneady with a 60 minute full body hot stone or classic massage at B&K Lifestyle Spa. Facing out on to the sumptuous streets of Westminster, and featuring shelves stacked with DECLÉOR products inside, the luxurious B&K Lifestyle Spa puts pampering on the map. Between the rosy reaches of the Regent's and Hyde Parks, the salon's esteemed beauty therapists are multi-lingual, with staff speaking several Euopean languages, and they work alongside adventurous hair stylists, creative nail artists, and merciful waxers.

Perhaps because of my love for the fabulous pun, I clicked buy, no research required. When I called to book, the only Saturday appointment they had was two months out so I figured it had to be good! Right? Wrong. Oh so very wrong.

Fast-forward to today. After consulting my trusty google maps I decided it was quicker for me to run there than to take public transport. Calling to ensure they had shower facilities available I spoke with the first of my Swedish accented women. Multi-lingual European staff, CHECK! Assuring me they did have showers, I strapped on my backpack and was on my merry way.

I got there and I was faced with two doors. Both labeled #104. Door number one had the B&K Spa sign, door number two was open, and seemed to enter into a long hallway. What was behind door number one? Not much! Expecting it to open up to a large spa-like atmosphere with zen music and aromatherapy candles burning, I found myself in a 5x20 sad excuse for a hair salon. Skirting around the lone hair styling chair I cleared my throat to get the hair washers attention. She asked if I had an appointment, I said yes, she had have a seat. After a quick 360, I saw my options were: vacant chair behind the desk, hair salon chair which was clearly to be used when the hair washer was done, manicurist chair, or back outside on the stoop of the sumptuous streets of Westminster. Mimicking a nail technician, I took my place in her swivel stool.

Five minutes later, when it became clear the hair washer was running somewhat of a one-man show I asked where I could find the showers. With a perplexed look she remarked in her Swedish accent, “Usually people shower after their massages…”
I tried to explain to her that I had just run there, was sweaty, would rather not subject the masseuse to my sweatiness, etc. and she said hold on 1 minute. Reappearing, she said fine, I could use the shower and took me out into the hall (what was behind Door #2) and directed me down the flight of stairs, and said to go to the end of the hall and look for the woman with the red hair. Finding her in what was a kitchen with a bathroom off it, it became clear they were running this “Spa” out of the comfort of their own home. If you don’t believe me, please see for yourself:

Shower "Facility"
Clothes drying. No big deal.

Washing Machine - ON
Embracing the ridiculous situation, I was warned that “someone else was using the shower gel,” but still for some reason, I took the “fresh towel” the British Warrior Queen Boudicca handed me, straight from the dryer (could have gotten it myself!), and hopped right in. It didn’t take long to figure out why they hadn’t wanted me to shower at the moment. Since the washing machine was also in the bathroom, I saw so clearly it was on, therefore…no hot water. Gave myself a nice freezing cold rinse and got the hell out of that basement communal shower “facility.”

Resuming my position as manicurist upstairs I waited to be called. Luckily it was all uphill from there and I was taken to a proper massage room with a legit massage bed and masseuse.

Through this whole ordeal though, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the time Cyndi and I were in Manhattan to see a show and found ourselves face to face with a solicitor who managed to sell us a coupon for a list of beauty services including a haircut and blowout, color, waxing, massage, makeup application, and manicure/pedicure. We of course bought it for something like $100, went over to the salon, and found out we could only use 1 service per visit. The $20 return LIRR tickets made this “deal” impossible to be profitable for us. Accepting defeat we got our haircut and blown out and made our way over to see, ironically enough, Legally Blonde.

Well played B&K Lifestyle Spa, well played, you got me! Not that it was a great feat. Great little homegrown, home-run scam of a spa. Just look at the website! They would have fooled you too. Next time I will read the reviews before I go hastily clicking the buy button.

English word of the day: Nutter = crazy person. As in, I must be a nutter to purchase a deal I didn’t seriously research. Lesson learned! No harm, no foul.